Once Upon a Time When I Couldn't Smile

If you are surprised by the title of this post, you've probably never seen childhood pictures of me. Honestly. I was a pretty awkward kid. Now, at the expense of my dignity, I think you should enjoy shots from the stage where I didn't know how to smile.

If you read in the next ten minutes, I will put in ADDITIONAL re-enactments of each shot!

And for only an extra $19.95 + shipping & handling I might just double this post in the near future!!

What a deal.

Drumrolls are boring, so before you scroll down to the first picture, I would like you to create a clap-roll. Come on, all the kids are doing it these days.

["Heh, heh, meh, heh."]

From a very young age, my parents should have noticed that I was destined to draw on fake mustaches and look like just like a man. Here I appear to be a 55 year old fella laughing with his jolly chums at the bar. Almost creepy. Should I re-enact this one even though I'm not old enough to be trying to smile? Well... okay. 

[I call this: The Reddish Old Man]

I even made the picture pinker for your viewing pleasure.

Anyway, once I got a little older, my smile took a turn for the worse. I knew what a sphere was but I had no idea how to move the muscles in my face. When my mom told me to smile for a picture, this is what she got:

[Is this one of the seven dwarfs or perhaps a disfigured hobbit? Nope, still me.]

After I failed at smiling, my mom would try again saying, "Show your teeth!"

Better, but no. It almost looks like one of these faces :D

but falls short. Probably closer to this face <:O

(if the less-than sign were eyebrows and not a party hat).

These were a hard faces to re-do! Try them yourself if you don't believe me.

After a few takes I ended up with this for the "smile" one...

and this for the "show your teeth" take:

[It may even be an improvement because you can actually see some of my teeth!]

If you were wondering how the rest of the Christmas pictures turned out, I can assure you it was more of the same.

[The air in my cheeks represents the light, expanding feeling we call happiness.]

I put a shrug on my head to give you the full effect that comes from the garland.

[After all this time my chin still makes the same odd shape when I puff up my cheeks.]

By the time I got what I call my Boy Hair-Cut, I was a little more experienced at smiling. Still not good though.

[I'm the weird one in the middle, next to my adorable, model siblings.]

I can remember thinking to myself that a smile should be so big that your cheeks push your eyes closed. Obviously my little sister Marina already knew that was false.

Before the re-enactment of this one, I will show you a similar picture from when I was older. This one was awkward too, but in a middle-school way, not only because I couldn't smile.

[me = second from the left. Marina is on the right.]

There is something positive that can be learned from this picture: No matter how awkward or beautiful you are as a child, everyone looks like a freak in middle school! So at least I had company.

So get ready for the 21-year-old closed-eyes smile:

[I feel like a kid again.]

My very favorite can't-smile picture has been saved for last. "Arrgh you ready for this?" is what I would say if I was a pirate, but because I am not, I'll just go ahead and show it to you.

So ugly it's cute! Aww... :]

It took me a long time to get this closed-eye half-smile thing...

p.s. Here is a bonus picture for you. 

Not sure what is going on in this photo? I can explain. I am having a horrible time riding a plastic bunny while simultaneously feeding it rocks. 

I like this picture because it gives you the appearance I had some sort of ghetto childhood with no real toys or fun, the only entertainment in my sad life being the neighbors' lawn ornaments. 

(Which, for the record, is false.)