Thursday, August 19, 2010

Once Upon a Time When I Couldn't Smile

If you are surprised by the title of this post, you've probably never seen childhood pictures of me. Honestly. I was a pretty awkward kid. Now, at the expense of my dignity, I think you should enjoy shots from the stage where I didn't know how to smile.

If you read in the next ten minutes, I will put in ADDITIONAL re-enactments of each shot!

And for only an extra $19.95 + shipping & handling I might just double this post in the near future!!

What a deal.

Drumrolls are boring, so before you scroll down to the first picture, I would like you to create a clap-roll. Come on, all the kids are doing it these days.

["Heh, heh, meh, heh."]

From a very young age, my parents should have noticed that I was destined to draw on fake mustaches and look like just like a man. Here I appear to be a 55 year old fella laughing with his jolly chums at the bar. Almost creepy. Should I re-enact this one even though I'm not old enough to be trying to smile? Well... okay. 

[I call this: The Reddish Old Man]

I even made the picture pinker for your viewing pleasure.

Anyway, once I got a little older, my smile took a turn for the worse. I knew what a sphere was but I had no idea how to move the muscles in my face. When my mom told me to smile for a picture, this is what she got:

[Is this one of the seven dwarfs or perhaps a disfigured hobbit? Nope, still me.]

After I failed at smiling, my mom would try again saying, "Show your teeth!"

Better, but no. It almost looks like one of these faces :D
but falls short. Probably closer to this face <:O
(if the less-than sign were eyebrows and not a party hat).

These were a hard faces to re-do! Try them yourself if you don't believe me.

After a few takes I ended up with this for the "smile" one...

and this for the "show your teeth" take:

[It may even be an improvement because you can actually see some of my teeth!]

If you were wondering how the rest of the Christmas pictures turned out, I can assure you it was more of the same.

[The air in my cheeks represents the light, expanding feeling we call happiness.]

I put a shrug on my head to give you the full effect that comes from the garland.
[After all this time my chin still makes the same odd shape when I puff up my cheeks.]

By the time I got what I call my Boy Hair-Cut, I was a little more experienced at smiling. Still not good though.

[I'm the weird one in the middle, next to my adorable, model siblings.]

I can remember thinking to myself that a smile should be so big that your cheeks push your eyes closed. Obviously my little sister Marina already knew that was false.

Before the re-enactment of this one, I will show you a similar picture from when I was older. This one was awkward too, but in a middle-school way, not only because I couldn't smile.

[me = second from the left. Marina is on the right.]

There is something positive that can be learned from this picture: No matter how awkward or beautiful you are as a child, everyone looks like a freak in middle school! So at least I had company.

So get ready for the 21-year-old closed-eyes smile:

[I feel like a kid again.]

My very favorite can't-smile picture has been saved for last. "Arrgh you ready for this?" is what I would say if I was a pirate, but because I am not, I'll just go ahead and show it to you.

So ugly it's cute! Aww... :]

It took me a long time to get this closed-eye half-smile thing...

p.s. Here is a bonus picture for you. 

Not sure what is going on in this photo? I can explain. I am having a horrible time riding a plastic bunny while simultaneously feeding it rocks. 

I like this picture because it gives you the appearance I had some sort of ghetto childhood with no real toys or fun, the only entertainment in my sad life being the neighbors' lawn ornaments. 
(Which, for the record, is false.)


  1. This is so funny. I can't even handle it. My favorite is the one with the tinsel.

    If everyone looked at a picture of this every day and new that this was a kid who didn't know how to smile, there would be no more disputes. The tea party-ers would say, "You know what, Obama? We don't necessarily like what you're doing, but we're not going to freak out about it anymore." The enemies of the mosque in New York would be like, "let's work out a solution together. We're going to stop assuming that all muslims are america-hating terrorists." This is how great those pictures are.

    And I LOVE the new layout. :)

  2. OMG this made me laugh!! I love all of those pictures of you Christie and I thought you were adorable!
    My favorite is the one in the red nightgown haha!

    I like the new layout too!

  3. Hahah you're right, I'll just send this post to everyone in the world and create instant world peace. Except for the blind people; they might still be violent.

  4. this is hilarious! I think my favorite is the dis-figured hobbit/7 dwarf one. Brian has a first or second grade picture of you that is equally hilarious!

    Love your new layout too, especially the new photo of the cow.