Once Upon a Time When I Couldn't Smile

If you are surprised by the title of this post, you've probably never seen childhood pictures of me. Honestly. I was a pretty awkward kid. Now, at the expense of my dignity, I think you should enjoy shots from the stage where I didn't know how to smile.

If you read in the next ten minutes, I will put in ADDITIONAL re-enactments of each shot!

And for only an extra $19.95 + shipping & handling I might just double this post in the near future!!

What a deal.

Drumrolls are boring, so before you scroll down to the first picture, I would like you to create a clap-roll. Come on, all the kids are doing it these days.

["Heh, heh, meh, heh."]

From a very young age, my parents should have noticed that I was destined to draw on fake mustaches and look like just like a man. Here I appear to be a 55 year old fella laughing with his jolly chums at the bar. Almost creepy. Should I re-enact this one even though I'm not old enough to be trying to smile? Well... okay. 

[I call this: The Reddish Old Man]

I even made the picture pinker for your viewing pleasure.

Anyway, once I got a little older, my smile took a turn for the worse. I knew what a sphere was but I had no idea how to move the muscles in my face. When my mom told me to smile for a picture, this is what she got:

[Is this one of the seven dwarfs or perhaps a disfigured hobbit? Nope, still me.]

After I failed at smiling, my mom would try again saying, "Show your teeth!"

Better, but no. It almost looks like one of these faces :D

but falls short. Probably closer to this face <:O

(if the less-than sign were eyebrows and not a party hat).

These were a hard faces to re-do! Try them yourself if you don't believe me.

After a few takes I ended up with this for the "smile" one...

and this for the "show your teeth" take:

[It may even be an improvement because you can actually see some of my teeth!]

If you were wondering how the rest of the Christmas pictures turned out, I can assure you it was more of the same.

[The air in my cheeks represents the light, expanding feeling we call happiness.]

I put a shrug on my head to give you the full effect that comes from the garland.

[After all this time my chin still makes the same odd shape when I puff up my cheeks.]

By the time I got what I call my Boy Hair-Cut, I was a little more experienced at smiling. Still not good though.

[I'm the weird one in the middle, next to my adorable, model siblings.]

I can remember thinking to myself that a smile should be so big that your cheeks push your eyes closed. Obviously my little sister Marina already knew that was false.

Before the re-enactment of this one, I will show you a similar picture from when I was older. This one was awkward too, but in a middle-school way, not only because I couldn't smile.

[me = second from the left. Marina is on the right.]

There is something positive that can be learned from this picture: No matter how awkward or beautiful you are as a child, everyone looks like a freak in middle school! So at least I had company.

So get ready for the 21-year-old closed-eyes smile:

[I feel like a kid again.]

My very favorite can't-smile picture has been saved for last. "Arrgh you ready for this?" is what I would say if I was a pirate, but because I am not, I'll just go ahead and show it to you.

So ugly it's cute! Aww... :]

It took me a long time to get this closed-eye half-smile thing...

p.s. Here is a bonus picture for you. 

Not sure what is going on in this photo? I can explain. I am having a horrible time riding a plastic bunny while simultaneously feeding it rocks. 

I like this picture because it gives you the appearance I had some sort of ghetto childhood with no real toys or fun, the only entertainment in my sad life being the neighbors' lawn ornaments. 

(Which, for the record, is false.)

Christie's Family

Now, you asked for more memory box hilarity so I am going to deliver.
You're welcome, is what I say.

When I was in preschool my teacher had us look in a magazine and cut out models who looked like members of our family. Sort of a lame project idea, but I'll show you mine anyway. We glued the cut-outs on a house-shaped piece of white paper that said _____'s Family. Then we practiced writing everyone's names next to their picture.

[obviously the red marker areas were done by my teacher]

Leafing through the 90's magazines with glossy photos of models, I found the perfect headshot to represent my dad:

[is this the Brawny man??]

Brown hair, blue eyes... no one could look more like my ol' pop. Well, the bleach-colored teeth and extremely square jaw might be a little off.

What my dad really looked like in the early 1990s:

[in his defense he wasn't always wearing that hat]

Oops, guess I forgot about the mustache and glasses as well. Can you really blame a four-year-old?

With my mom, I was a little further off the mark:

Once again, I got the hair color down,  and even the skin color... but everything else, not so much.

What my mom really looked like in the early 1990s:

Did magazines in the 90s discriminate against individuals with short hair and glasses or was I just stupid? 

You're welcome, mom, for the very flattering picture of you.

I'd like to point out that I failed twice for my mom. After choosing that picture, this is how I wrote her name: 

[ohh... kay.]

Now Kevin was still a baby (as seen in above photo) so his was easy:

[still unexplained: why I scribbled on him and why my teacher thought his name was "Calvin"]

Hey! Not bad! All babies look the same, right?

What Kevin really looked like in the early 1990s (again):

[I guess that kid was always tanner than me]

He's the baby, in case you weren't sure. He might be redder than the baby in the magazine, but come on you know they Photoshop those models!

When it came to choosing a picture of myself, I got a little cocky:

[yes, I looked like a 24-year-old African American model when I was 4]

Not only did I choose a picture of a taller, more mature, better dressed (kind of) woman; I also wrote my name as "Cal." What the hell? 

Maybe I really really like the name Cal/Calvin. So much that I wanted it for BOTH me and my brother. 

What I really looked like in the early 1990s (again):

Other than "we are both females and human--I guess," I cannot find one physical similarity between myself and this model.

Wait! I've got it--we both closed our mouth in our picture! Brilliant.

Now, after this mishap my teacher should have stopped the project, but she continued to push me and I chose this cut-out to represent my little sister Marina:

[yes, this is real]

I don't think we really need words for this one. 

What Marina really looked like in the early 1990s:

[whoops, guess she wasn't a black man.]

I was such a cool four-year old. 

Maybe the real lesson here is that magazines do not reflect reality. What a surprise. Ha.

Before I go, I have a quote or two from my childhood to share:

Technically, I was five at this time, but I still think it fits. 

Another one I'm pretty proud of is this,

" 'Hi Mom!' said Christie as she raced into the room. "

In case you weren't sure, I said the whole thing, not just the "Hi Mom" part. This was one of those times when my mom started to wonder if she read to me too much.

Items Better Forgotten

Today I went through my "memory box," a.k.a. the bin of random crafts, drawings, and awards I have saved over the years. There were a lot of things I wondered why I saved-- some more than others.

For example...

[uh?]

Yes, it is a tube filled with green tinged water and glitter, topped with corks and wads of glue. Not really sure what it was meant for... a glowstick perhaps?

Or glitterstick? Sparkly wand? Mold experiment?

No doubt there are some beautiful memories attached to this object. Must have been a joy to create (and probably only took about 2 minutes!). 

If you thought that was AWESOME, you will love this construction paper silhouette of me: 

[it seems I couldn't close my mouth or cut it out on my own at the time]

What a great idea my 1st grade teacher, Ms. Wiese had! All children should quietly sit in front of a bright light to be traced at this age! How else could they remember their awkward slouch or the shape of their hairstyle? Brilliant. 

So maybe I couldn't cut a silhouette in first grade, but I sure was handy with leather! Oh boy oh boy oh BOY am I glad I kept these beautiful crafts:

[especially the bag]

You'll be happy to know that the bag is not the right size for pencils... or anything else a kid would want to hold for that matter. Stickers would get crushed, small rocks would fall out, and frogs would escape. Maybe it was made to mail a very very special letter. 

Oh, it gets better. Guess what this is:

"Is it barf or dried cottage cheese?" you may ask. No, friends, it is a small hunk of homemade paper. This lumpy, blueish scrap was definitely worth saving. Reminds me of recycling and all the odd things we did in girl scouts. Too bumpy to write on or glue to any surface, but maybe it could be used as highly absorbent toilet paper or the cover to a very ugly (title-less) scrapbook.

Speaking of writing on weird materials, here is another item I saved:

A piece of wood accented with yarn that has my name written on it. Gee golly.

Apparently I love my name because I also salvaged this specimen:

[does the busy background make it more interesting?]

Man, what could be better than a piece of construction paper shaped like a star?
An altered Folgers can, of course!

[it was obvious from the beginning I'd be an art major]

Did you know I've been a Highland Bank customer for over 5 years?! The day it happened is one I'll never forget... because I saved the key link they sent me.

[never used. never forgotten.]

Okay, so something a company made to encourage more sales isn't that cool. But what about something handmade? That's worth saving, right? Maybe...

Wow. Glue and lame feathers and hunks of felt. Must have taken a master-craftswoman to make these!

Now I feel like there are too many funny objects, I am running out of things to write! Here is a floppy clay boat.

[how can something be so detailed yet so lame?]

Which accessory is your favorite: the tie-dye oars? The lumpy life jacket? The 3D shorts? 

My favorite might be one that is not pictured:

[fishing pole = broken... oh and a red scrap of dried clay too]

So, do you like it? I have a few more funny things from memory lane if you do!