Once Upon a Time When I Couldn't Smile

If you are surprised by the title of this post, you've probably never seen childhood pictures of me. Honestly. I was a pretty awkward kid. Now, at the expense of my dignity, I think you should enjoy shots from the stage where I didn't know how to smile.

If you read in the next ten minutes, I will put in ADDITIONAL re-enactments of each shot!

And for only an extra $19.95 + shipping & handling I might just double this post in the near future!!

What a deal.

Drumrolls are boring, so before you scroll down to the first picture, I would like you to create a clap-roll. Come on, all the kids are doing it these days.

["Heh, heh, meh, heh."]

From a very young age, my parents should have noticed that I was destined to draw on fake mustaches and look like just like a man. Here I appear to be a 55 year old fella laughing with his jolly chums at the bar. Almost creepy. Should I re-enact this one even though I'm not old enough to be trying to smile? Well... okay. 

[I call this: The Reddish Old Man]

I even made the picture pinker for your viewing pleasure.

Anyway, once I got a little older, my smile took a turn for the worse. I knew what a sphere was but I had no idea how to move the muscles in my face. When my mom told me to smile for a picture, this is what she got:

[Is this one of the seven dwarfs or perhaps a disfigured hobbit? Nope, still me.]

After I failed at smiling, my mom would try again saying, "Show your teeth!"

Better, but no. It almost looks like one of these faces :D

but falls short. Probably closer to this face <:O

(if the less-than sign were eyebrows and not a party hat).

These were a hard faces to re-do! Try them yourself if you don't believe me.

After a few takes I ended up with this for the "smile" one...

and this for the "show your teeth" take:

[It may even be an improvement because you can actually see some of my teeth!]

If you were wondering how the rest of the Christmas pictures turned out, I can assure you it was more of the same.

[The air in my cheeks represents the light, expanding feeling we call happiness.]

I put a shrug on my head to give you the full effect that comes from the garland.

[After all this time my chin still makes the same odd shape when I puff up my cheeks.]

By the time I got what I call my Boy Hair-Cut, I was a little more experienced at smiling. Still not good though.

[I'm the weird one in the middle, next to my adorable, model siblings.]

I can remember thinking to myself that a smile should be so big that your cheeks push your eyes closed. Obviously my little sister Marina already knew that was false.

Before the re-enactment of this one, I will show you a similar picture from when I was older. This one was awkward too, but in a middle-school way, not only because I couldn't smile.

[me = second from the left. Marina is on the right.]

There is something positive that can be learned from this picture: No matter how awkward or beautiful you are as a child, everyone looks like a freak in middle school! So at least I had company.

So get ready for the 21-year-old closed-eyes smile:

[I feel like a kid again.]

My very favorite can't-smile picture has been saved for last. "Arrgh you ready for this?" is what I would say if I was a pirate, but because I am not, I'll just go ahead and show it to you.

So ugly it's cute! Aww... :]

It took me a long time to get this closed-eye half-smile thing...

p.s. Here is a bonus picture for you. 

Not sure what is going on in this photo? I can explain. I am having a horrible time riding a plastic bunny while simultaneously feeding it rocks. 

I like this picture because it gives you the appearance I had some sort of ghetto childhood with no real toys or fun, the only entertainment in my sad life being the neighbors' lawn ornaments. 

(Which, for the record, is false.)

Items Better Forgotten

Today I went through my "memory box," a.k.a. the bin of random crafts, drawings, and awards I have saved over the years. There were a lot of things I wondered why I saved-- some more than others.

For example...

[uh?]

Yes, it is a tube filled with green tinged water and glitter, topped with corks and wads of glue. Not really sure what it was meant for... a glowstick perhaps?

Or glitterstick? Sparkly wand? Mold experiment?

No doubt there are some beautiful memories attached to this object. Must have been a joy to create (and probably only took about 2 minutes!). 

If you thought that was AWESOME, you will love this construction paper silhouette of me: 

[it seems I couldn't close my mouth or cut it out on my own at the time]

What a great idea my 1st grade teacher, Ms. Wiese had! All children should quietly sit in front of a bright light to be traced at this age! How else could they remember their awkward slouch or the shape of their hairstyle? Brilliant. 

So maybe I couldn't cut a silhouette in first grade, but I sure was handy with leather! Oh boy oh boy oh BOY am I glad I kept these beautiful crafts:

[especially the bag]

You'll be happy to know that the bag is not the right size for pencils... or anything else a kid would want to hold for that matter. Stickers would get crushed, small rocks would fall out, and frogs would escape. Maybe it was made to mail a very very special letter. 

Oh, it gets better. Guess what this is:

"Is it barf or dried cottage cheese?" you may ask. No, friends, it is a small hunk of homemade paper. This lumpy, blueish scrap was definitely worth saving. Reminds me of recycling and all the odd things we did in girl scouts. Too bumpy to write on or glue to any surface, but maybe it could be used as highly absorbent toilet paper or the cover to a very ugly (title-less) scrapbook.

Speaking of writing on weird materials, here is another item I saved:

A piece of wood accented with yarn that has my name written on it. Gee golly.

Apparently I love my name because I also salvaged this specimen:

[does the busy background make it more interesting?]

Man, what could be better than a piece of construction paper shaped like a star?
An altered Folgers can, of course!

[it was obvious from the beginning I'd be an art major]

Did you know I've been a Highland Bank customer for over 5 years?! The day it happened is one I'll never forget... because I saved the key link they sent me.

[never used. never forgotten.]

Okay, so something a company made to encourage more sales isn't that cool. But what about something handmade? That's worth saving, right? Maybe...

Wow. Glue and lame feathers and hunks of felt. Must have taken a master-craftswoman to make these!

Now I feel like there are too many funny objects, I am running out of things to write! Here is a floppy clay boat.

[how can something be so detailed yet so lame?]

Which accessory is your favorite: the tie-dye oars? The lumpy life jacket? The 3D shorts? 

My favorite might be one that is not pictured:

[fishing pole = broken... oh and a red scrap of dried clay too]

So, do you like it? I have a few more funny things from memory lane if you do!

Top Ten Things I Did in the Last Ten Days

Hello all! School is busy and my social life is just bursting at the seams. ;)
So this will be brief, then I can get back to those papers I need to write. This is the topic I have been bringing up to everyone and their grandma for sympathy because it sounds so extreme. I have five major papers to write by next week. There, I said it! Some of you have already stuffed your ears with it before.

So what have I done if not blogged?
(No particular order.)

1. High School "Reunion" at Space Aliens
I went back home for a night to visit some friends (you know who you are... that is, if you even read this... moment of awkward insecurity) and we ate at Space Aliens, the small barbecue/pizza chain that is decorated to match its name... times ten (numerical theme). My waitress was a girl from high school. We were not friends in high school so no one broke the ice and said "hi." Thus she served me the entire time while being smushed with elephant-in-the-room-esque awkwardness.

 [speaking of aliens, Stephen Hawking is kind of boring when he narrates a show about them.]

2. Task Party aka organized chaos
Oliver Herring, a famous German artist, came to our school! He used to knit strange things constantly, but now he makes videos, photo sculptures, and Task Parties!

[here's a photo sculpture, this one wasn't at our school, but look--it's a bunch of small close-up photos glued together!]

The Task Party was the most fun though. Picture this: a large room strewn about with random art supplies and surplus items--from glitter to cardboard to metal tins and feathers to balloons, etc.--with a bunch of nerdy art-lovers and the command to simply make and do "tasks," no other guidelines. So first you draw a task from the big box, do it, and then write your own.

Examples:

• dress up like a pirate
• build a human pyramid
• call your dad and say "hi"
• construct a nest
• protest something
• walk around the room with a hotdog in your mouth
• throw glitter at a stranger
• etc.

What does it look like, you ask?
Well, everyone ends up in stupid costumes and such, so it ends up looking something like this:

[dramatic re-enactment]

3. CONTROVERSY Party
It was for the Sociology/Anthropology/Reconciliation Department, okay? Least controversial event ever, in the history of the world probably. Though I will admit it was more fun than I expected. Besides, my team won Political Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

4. Decided China is awesome
Justine's aunt Cliss has been to so many countries--India, China, and Japan. She spoke about them at some women's retreat and we went to see her. She spent the most time in China--3 years-- and after hearing all of the stories, now I reallllllly want to go!

5. Painted world turtle
Almost completed a painting that is about a Native American creation story where the land is just the back of a giant turtle. I made the turtle a tortoise because they are the cutest of all turtles and resemble grumpy old men. (Awww!)
Stupidly, I have no picture of it now.

Some day. Someday. Sumday.


6. Used an antique printing press
So--correct me if you already know this--Minnesota has an AWESOME handmade book center and it is about 8 minutes away from campus. How cool. We went there for class and got to find little lead letters in a big font drawer. Then we put them backwards and upside down on a little holder thing. Holder thing had a part called a "knee," while letters have "feet." Said holder thing was then inked and put onto the press, where a huge roller smushed ("pressed") it and printed out titles! So cool. It was also in a rugged, cave-like basement that was historically built as a flour barrel factory (cough cough, notice all the flour mills on our skyline).


7. RAISED A YOUNG TURTLE
Yesyesyesyesyesyes.

[wook at the widdle biddle!]

[baby waby tuwtle]

[oooh, painted]

[shmo smainted!]

Found the little guy in the parking lot after a rainstorm. Saved him by bringing him to a muddy cattailed area by the lake. I figured keeping him would not  really be saving him since Justine and I got bored of our last pet (Jibs the hermit crab) and gave him away to preschoolers.

Still, it was fun while it lasted. Brian came too*even though we were almost late for lunch. We ran up when the gate to the dining center was closing and I had to use my smooth diversion skills** to get us in. Barely!

*his hands are in the latter three pictures

**aka begging and telling the overly-nice guy that we just found a turtle

8. Enlightened others about Tootsie Pop Flavors

 [seriously though, how many licks?]

In my opinion, artificial banana is one of the lamest candy flavors known to both man and beast. Tootsie Pop Co. does not agree. I gave the one I got for "Thank-you-student-workers Week" to Brian, who also had never known of its rare existence.

9. Crawled and viewed art
 The good ol' St. Paul Art Crawl was this weekend. Brian and I walked through a bunch of galleries and apartments to see everything from chalk-drawn tigers and wooden magic wands to really fancy photography and huge paintings.

10. Tripped while sitting!! --less dramatic version
So this may or may not have happened to me before. Okay, it was in calculus class (AP thankyouverymuch) where I somehow fell off my chair by tripping. It is a mysterious phenomenon that not everyone has experienced.
I did it again today--and screamed--but I caught my balance before falling anywhere.
This photo may sort of kind of like a little bit, explain what sit-tripping is like.

[100% pure terror]

See you again soon I hope! If not, I will simply be here, complaining about my papers to those who do not read my blog.

p.s. FAILED tripping re-enactments. (aka "yes, it took 5 takes to get that terrible shot")

 [pooping?]

[HEAD]

[oddly sexual :/ ]

[dinosaur]

IMG00127.jpg

Hello! This is me testing out a blog through my phone! I couldn't decide what to write about so I decided to show off the shirt I'm wearing. Shelby (my best friend) gave me the gray half with snoopy on it for my half birthday one year. I gave her the other side of the black shirt with the dinosaur astronaut. Then we made our own shirts! Yay.

Oh, and the reason I look so bored is because I was sitting in a hallway waiting for the intercampus shuttle and I wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible when it came to taking random photos of myself.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Saturday is for Parties

Hello, Bonjour, Salam Alakum, everybody!

[this is me saying, "hello"]

Look, this Saturday night, I have discovered how to take pictures with my webcam! What awesomeness, you may say! Well, I would humbly reply, thank you and good night.

Ahh, I was just hankering to write a post really, and my lack of camera becomes more and more painful the closer I get to December (aka The Golden Month of the Shiny New Camera). So this is my temporary solution.

Though, I swear Marina knows how to take much cooler webcam pictures where you can make crazy backgrounds and everything.

[the intangable feeling that something is missing]

Marina? Marina?! Are you reading this?? I'm getting anxious here! ! ! ! !

[the face of desperation]

Otherwise, I'd have to resort to my own special effects.... think of how the world would suffer if that happened every week...

[effect: turns subject into Angel of Peace]

[effect: subject appears to be playing in a blue forest]

[effect: subject at a party on Saturday night]

See, Marina?

Well, at least the webcam is fun for me now. I can offer more pictures for all of youuu!

Catch you later, reader-bo-beaders.

Vocabulary Addition (UMPS)

Here's a shorty but a goody.

I found a new word I love:

GRUMPLES.

It's awesome! I don't know what it means yet though. It's probably a noun, but who can really be sure.

It came into my life through the hand of God when Brian started to call me "Grumplestiltskin" and I wished he'd stopped at Grumples.

Just thought you should know.

["eh sweetie"]

This is me in Frumpsville, my jacket. Since its name is so close to Grumples, I thought the picture was appropriate.
I found Frumpsville in my closet at home... no one claimed it. Now it's mine.
Luv.
4.
EVA.

Well goodbye, readers!!

Got __________? Yes, We ALL Do

A while ago I was at a fun Apple Orchard with Brian and my eyes beheld this sight:

["got apples?" said the sign]

It made me think about how the government employee who coined the phrase "got milk?" must be ROLLING IN IT right now (money, not milk).
Have you ever noticed how many people rip off that advertising campaign?

• When my sister was in choir, they all bought red shirts that said (you guessed it) "got choir?" in white letters.
• Of course there is the classic kitch example of the "got Jesus?" shirts saturating the SonShine (Music Festival) sales booths, Christian bookstores, and the like.
  
• Exhibit C:
  

[this requires no caption]

(That one was actually Marina's idea, and that brown goo was actually chocolate, so stop freaking out already!)

• Oh wait a second, examples are POINTLESS because anyone can (and will) do that with every word ever!

Got lima beans? Got capitalism? Got earthquakes? Got camel spit? Got GOT QUESTIONS?

I assume you get it now.
Interesting, no?

Well, see you later! (Or be read by you later, to be more precise)

p.s.

[would it really have been a TRUE apple orchard if it didn't have more than one corny sign?]