Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Moment You Know You're Totally FUCKED.

Hello, Hel-LO, Loyal Readers! Welcome one and all to "What Can Go Wrong In ONE Day?"--the show where we count how many unlucky things can happen to Christie on a single Monday! (Hoooooo-raah!!) Are you ready, folks? Because I sure am!

#1: Late Awakening

I was staying at Brian's for the weekend and we told ourselves that today would be the day we woke up early (We were going hiking and I had to leave). Yet, sleep alarm after sleep alarm, we did not. How unfortunate. Late afternoon hiking it must be!

#2: Deary Me

There was a poor, helpless doe on the way to our hike-o-rama + picnic who had been brutally murdered by a car. We had to look at the graphic display four times (!) for reasons that will be explained later.

#3: "Experienced" Hikers Forget Bugspray

To anyone with even an ounce of common sense, Hiking/Forest = Mosquitos! Yet Brian and Christie did not bring any protection at all. We even wore shorts and started sweating, as if beckoning the horrid creatures closer.

[hey, at least it was pretty there :) ]

#4: Brian and Christie Get Lost

Does this speak for itself or does it not? It was very pretty. The only reason it was a "bad" lost was because the bugs were just feasting on us. After turning around, we decided to take a break of sorts...

#5: Maintenance Building Closed

This "break" was really a hunt for bugspray. We went to the nearest building which was called Maintenance but actually contained a whole center. Closed.

#6: The Disappointment of Trempeleau

Trempeleau is tiny, cute, and fun to say. But this town only has one gas station. Shouldn't be a big deal, right? We strolled in to purchase some bugspray but it was nowhere to be found! They had Raid, they had numerous brands of sunscreen... but no bugspray. Blech! (There were however, some really cute old men hanging out there as if they did every day.)

We asked where the nearest place to get this addictive spray was and they said Holmen... which is exactly where we came from.
So we drove all the way back, past the dead deer to the local grocery store and found some Off! Active. Smelled good for bugspray.

I put some on so it would hopefully start to soak in. (Yes. The bugs were that bad.)

#7: Quitters, Quitters, Pumpkin Sitters

We were hungry, okay?!

[quesadillas at a cheesy (literally) sports bar]

Don't fret, we went back eventually to hike the good hike!

[a snail like the ones people doodle! look how cute he is ^_^ ]

[look closely and you will see my nickname. hint, hint, cough, look at the blog's web address]

[top 'o the bluff to ya!]

[and... going back down.]

#8: The Salsa Was Too Hot

Brian's mom made homemade salsa and I couldn't try it because it was way too spicy for my poor widdle mouth.

#9: Darkness Sets In

I left for home (a three hour drive) a bit later than planned. At first I hoped that because I was driving west I could perhaps out-drive the sun and just experience a really long sunset. Idiot.

I don't really like to drive at night.

#10: Tire Becomes Pancake

Yep. It was loud and bumpy and it smelled like burning rubber... what does that spell? A flat tire! In the dark! And cold! Two hours from home!

[since I have no pictures of the incident I decided to recreate my emotions at the time]

After calling my parents and Brian I decided to change it myself. How hard could it be?

#11: The Case of the Missing Lug Wrench

Well. Impossible if your car doesn't have all the parts in its trunk! Lovely!
So, for the first time in my life I had to call 911 to reach a cop who could come help me.
All he could really offer was the number for a tow truck place ($) and some extra lighting.

Luckily, Brian the thinker called Josh who lived pretty close to where I was stranded!

Josh the wonderful truck-driving football player (and Steph) came to save the day! He changed the tire in ten minutes. Probably would have taken two if we hadn't been talking.

Thanks Josh if you read this!!!!!

Now I wasn't supposed to go over 60 and my alignment was shot, but hey, I was going to go home after an hour of idleness!

#12: Can You Guess?

[flat tire numero fucking two]

#13: Tow Truck... $75

Oh joy, I love to be stranded and I love to pay money-cash!

#14: Um. You Can't Fix a Car After Midnight

Well. There were no places open, of course! My choices were threefold:
  1. My mom pays my brother to drive 2 hours and pick me up and take me home (4 hours total).
  2. Brian, the nicest boy in the world, drives 2 hours to pick me up and take me to his casa (4 hours total).
  3. I purchase a motel room.
I reluctantly choose number 3. I didn't really want to stay alone in a random town, but it seemed to be my only logical choice.


Oh what an unhappy neon sign! The tow truck man drove me to the more expensive hotel (H's are more expensive than M's) and dropped me off.

#16: Twenty-- The Forgotten Age

Uhhh... you have to be 21 to get a hotel room. Yep, I can gamble, drive, smoke, vote, go to war and die, but I can't rent a hotel room when my car gets at flat tire at 12:30 a.m.

[desperation sets in]

The woman working was pretty rude too. She even kicked me out of the lobby to stand on the sidewalk outside.

#17: The Waiting Game

Luckily all I had to do was cross a highway and there was a McDonald's with its lights on that I could wait in while Brian drove during the next 2 hours. We even cut our total drive time in half because we planned to sleep in his van!

#18: What Now?

Only the drive-thru was open, of course.

#19: Wanna Ride?

Luckily there was a trucker cafe next door that was open 24 hours. The waitress was very friendly. She even gave me a seat where I could charge my phone.

After I told her my story a trucker with a Hulk Hogan mustache offered me a ride to Minneapolis. He seemed nice, but, ah, I still said no.

#20: Just Kidding.

So my boyfriend's dad called the hotel and the motel and the motel was full so it called the hotel to beg and the hotel said no but then changed its mind.

I had a room offer!

Brian was already driving so he came and was my taxi the next morning. We missed the continental breakfast and didn't get enough sleep (it was probably 4 a.m. when we went to bed), but I got my tire fixed and drove home after lunch!!

Now I have 4 new tires and a pretty good story.

Ta-ta for now!


p.s. I stole this title from the lyrics of a song in Spring Awakening. It is a fantastic musical that I would surely recommend. Here is the song:


  1. this post is fantastic.

    your extra pictures: hysterical.

    as someone who was actually there when most of this stuff happened, i can vouch for the fact that everything that Christie said in this post is 100% true. it was that bad.

    also the sentence "flat tire numero fucking two" made me laugh out loud.

    (i had a great time hiking with you and exploring Cannon Falls, though.)

  2. True, it was much fun!

    Hehehe, I'm glad that sentence made you laugh because I did debate over how comfortable my readers would be with me using that word TWICE.

  3. it's awesome.

    oh, and i think it's so funny that the slug's shell was too heavy to stand straight up, so it was dragged on its side.

  4. Michelle and I also laughed out loud at your sentence, "flat tire numero fucking two"! I was thinking "Oh no what next?" and then came the call, "They don't rent rooms to anyone under 21". What a night-unbelievable. I am so grateful you made it home safe :}
    Great blog

  5. Oh my gosh I just watched your you tube video-very funny! loved it

  6. Dear Miss Potty Mouth,

    Heeheee...just kidding. I stand by my theory that sometimes there is no other word that will suffice under extreme circumstances! And honey, you had some extreme circumstances that night! :-) In fact, 'they' accused me of using 'that' word that same night when I heard that the Hotel Witch kicked you out of the lobby and refused you a room! That still REALLY ticks me off! (But at least Glenda the GOOD Witch from the OTHER hotel talked her into giving you a room!)

    Like your mom, I'm really glad that you eventually made it home safe! Hmmm... by the way...I realized that night that you are now a proud member of the People That Tess Worries About Club. It was pretty upsetting thinking of you wandering around by yourself in the middle of the night! I'm glad everything worked out!

    Oh geez, I was wondering if you would have some 'friendly' truckers offering you a ride while you were in the all night truck stop!

    At least you have some great pictures from Perot Park!